ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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