Your face is a jimmy john
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
