Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
