So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
