i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
