i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We were destined to go to rehab together
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
