Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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