i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
