She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
