I wish I could punch you in the face.
I will die if light touches me.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
