Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
