I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
