If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
