He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
