yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
