Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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