I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
