Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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