tell your sister to shave her snatch
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
