DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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