I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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