My Higher Power is John Stamos
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize