his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
