Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
