My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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