I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
