Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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