Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
