i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
