Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
