Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
