Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't deserve a penis
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
