I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
