Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
