I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
