When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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