Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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