If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
