My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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