you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
