i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My balls are so social today.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
