i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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