you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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