I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
do nipples grow back?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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