the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
