he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize