she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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