It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
