I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
