Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
