Got a toothbrush?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize