im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
