yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
