so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
