1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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