John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
