I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am spending my child support on dildos
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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