I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
