My cat gives me a boner
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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