My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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