how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
