True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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