i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
