note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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