the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
