I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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