Can i not drive my cunt home
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
