i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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