i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
