absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
