you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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