so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
