It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
