my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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