Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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