I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
