found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
