You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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