My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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